IT'S ALIMENTARY, MY DEAR WESSONTM
In Gristedeseum*
In the Cellulosum section
Lived a soft-hearted Hoosier named Indiana Banana
Long and lean, he liked to hang out
with a bunch of friends
In the Butcherinum section
Lived a salty Virginian named Sam the Ham
Short and fat, he couldn't be cured
of his craving for sugar
One day, Sam called Indiana yellow
And challenged Cellulosum to a tug of war
Indiana pealed with zest
And arranged the meet on the Isle of Dairyana
Everyone was prepared
For Cellulosum, there were Indiana,
the Sacramento Tomato Twins,
and Artie, Mrs. Choke's son
For Butcherinum, there were Sam, Vinnie Veal,
Bennie Beef, and Sam's cousin, Sal Spam
Manny Manager, Stanley Stockboy, and
Charlie Checkout served as judges
The players were mustered
And relished the caper
To add spice, each team had cheerleaders
Cellulosum had the Veggies
Butcherinum had the Patties
Near the end, Cellulosum got the razzberry
for unnecessary roughage
After two hours, Butcherinum ran out of muscle
and couldn't catch up
Cellulosum planted their feet, held their ground,
and steamed to victory
Later, at dinner, everyone danced the Casa-Roll
and toasted Hosanna Banana!
* Gristedes is a supermarket in New York.
FATHER'S DAY CARD TO FATHER TIME
Dear Dad,
Time is like tofu
Tofu is nutritious but bland
And needs spice
Time, likewise, is essential but boring
And needs meaning
Yours forever,
Hugh
MOTHER'S DAY CARD TO MOTHER NATURE
Dear Mom,
I'm angry at you
Your children are sick and unhappy
Don't you care?
Have we disobeyed or offended you?
Please speak up
While there's still time
Your son, the doctor
SUPREME COURT
Case: God versus Mother Nature
Date: Your Birthday
Complaint: God charges Mother Nature with
promiscuity, cruelty, and child abuse.
Counter Complaint: Mother Nature charges God with
neglect, abandonment, and delusions of grandeur.
Final Judgment:
1. This marriage is dissolved due to
irreconcilable differences.
2. Mother Nature is awarded custody of
the home and children.
3. God is granted visitation on Saturday
or Sunday.
4. The Court will periodically send Someone
to civilize and supervise the children.
5. In the event of a reconciliation, Paradise
will be restored.
6. In the meantime, the world will experience
senseless, limitless cruelty.
HAIKU CURFEW
Time is God's patience.
When God runs out of patience
We've run out of time.
PARENT'S TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Feed, shelter, and clothe your child.
2. Protect your child from the world.
3. Protect your child from yourself.
4. Protect your child from your spouse.
5. Protect your child from your marriage.
6. Protect your child from himself.
7. Study and understand your child.
8. Help your child to accept and respect himself.
9. Teach your child to think.
10. Teach your child to parent himself.
A CHILD'S GUIDE TO PARENTS
1. Your parents are not perfect.
2. Your parents are lonely, scared, and insecure, just like you.
3. Your parents do not have a perfect marriage.
4. Your parents are often sorry that they married each other.
5. Your parents are trying to protect you from their problems.
6. Your parents need your help.
7. You have known and loved your parents your whole life.
8. Tell your parents that you are willing to talk to them about their problems.
9. Tell your parents that you understand that they are not perfect.
10. Tell your parents that you love them, despite all their problems and imperfections.
HEAVENLY FATHER
It sounds trite, but my father was a great guy.
Lacking sophistication, but not dedication,
he supported us in a comfortable home,
while he worked in a filthy factory.
After ten hours of standing at a machine
and inhaling clouds of toxic dust,
he came home cheerful and loving,
without self-pity or resentment.
One day, my father surprised me
with a bicycle he built from spare parts
that he found in the basement of our tenement.
I loved that multi-colored bike,
because my father built it for me
with his hands and his heart.
God, thank you for my father.
Now I know what to expect from You.
MOTHER
Look at me with loving eyes
Lavish me with lullabies
Tickle me till I'm in stitches
Nourish me with kisses
And good wishes
HOMESICK
As a baby, I wanted
Comfort from my mother
As a child, I also wanted
Counsel from my father
As an adult, I've learned to live
Without comfort or counsel
But I still miss
My mother and father
BROTHER
I'm not well
If you are sick
I'm not rich
If you are poor
I can't live
If you're not free
I depend on you
And you can depend on me
HUDNA (ARABIC FOR TRUCE)
An Open Letter to Palestinians
I suspect that behind your relentless and rigid rhetoric, you are sad, lonely, and unwell. Let's put politics and polemics aside for the time being. Instead, please allow me to be a source of friendship and comfort to you. If you wish, I'd be happy to give you free health advice. Also, since we are poets, perhaps we can read each other's poems. Let's become poets for peace and health. Let's write peace poetry. Shukran.
Salaam alaikum
Hugh Mann, The Patient Doctor
DEAR GOD
Please correct me
But be gentle
Please teach me
But be patient
Please heal me
But be careful
Please help me
But be quick
MYSELF
I'm trying to remember
What I never knew
I'm trying to say
What I never thought
I'm trying to find
What I never lost
I'm trying to be
Myself
TREASURE HUNT
You love money
But it doesn't love you
You love nature
But it doesn't love you
You love life
But it doesn't love you
So find someone
Who needs you
And completes you
HAIKU I KNEW YOU
If the child you were
could meet and know you today,
what would that child say?
I REMEMBER YOU
My eyes took a picture of you
And my brain laminated it
My mouth took a taste of you
And my tongue catalogued it
My body took a measurement of you
And my arms recorded it
My feet took a walk with you
And my legs longed for more
My heart took a chance with you
And my soul opened the door
THE REAL YOU
It's not how you look
it's what you cook.
It's not where you toil
it's what you boil.
It's not where you stay
it's what you sauté.
It's not who you cradle
it's what you ladle.
It's not what you say
it's what you puree.
It's not what you do
it's what you chew.
It's not what you deduce
it's what you juice.
It's not what you think
it's what you drink.
It's not who you follow
it's what you swallow.
It's not who you meet
it's what you eat.
SICK SOCIETY
When people are sick
we ask doctors to cure them
When societies are sick
we ask politicians to cure them
We forget that a society
is a group of people
And that a sick society
is a group of sick people
Who are suffering
and need help
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CARNAGE
Cars are toxic, traumatic,
aristocratic, emblematic, problematic,
metallic carapaces for the nihilistic,
narcissistic, masochistic fanatic.
HAIKU CODE BLUE
Hospitals are a
phantasmagoria of
fantasy and gore.
HAIKU AGUE
Infectious disease:
kill the eponymous bug
but not the sick lug.
REIGN OF BLAME
Education credits the teacher
but blames the student
Health-care credits the doctor
but blames the patient
Economics credits the banker
but blames the borrower
Courts credit the lawyer
but blame the client
Government credits the politician
but blames the citizen
Media credit the sponsor
but blame the consumer
Religion credits the clergy
but blames the believer
Society indemnifies itself
by condemning the individual
HAIKU VOODOO
Placebos assuage
the guilt and incompetence
of health-care experts.
HAIKU IT'S NOT THE FLU
The best way to cut
the Gordian knot of health
is Occam's razor.
COMMON SENSE 101
1. We are alive.
2. Life is metabolism.
3. Metabolism depends on air, water, and food.
4. Metabolism is undermined by toxins and addictions.
5. Toxins and addictions make us sick and irrational.
6. Irrationality leads to conflict, violence, and war.
7. Conflict, violence, and war destroy life.
8. Life and peace require common sense.
9. Common sense means paying attention to the obvious.
10. The obvious is the connection between life and metabolism.
AGING 101
1. Life is aging.
2. Aging is acquiring emotional and physical wounds.
3. Wound-healing depends on metabolism.
4. Metabolism depends on air, water, and food.
5. Metabolism is undermined by toxins and addictions.
6. Toxins and addictions interfere with wound-healing.
7. Toxins and addictions accelerate aging.
8. Avoiding toxins and addictions slows down aging.
9. Aging does not necessarily lead to infirmity.
10. Aging without infirmity is the purpose of life.
HAIKU FOR DOCTORS, TOO
Hippocrates said
Ars longa, vita brevis
Life is our purpose
HAIKU I TOLD YOU
If doctors dismiss
anecdotal evidence
science will stagnate.
SUPINE IS SUBLIMETM
I love to nap on my back
It's effortless and dreamy
Free of skeletal concerns
Sitting is awkward
Standing is outward
Walking and running are downward
My bed and hammock are heavenly
Moving me inward and upward
So I can exorcise my body
And exercise my mind
GREEN WITH ENVY
He: You look pale, Rhoda. What's bugging you?
She: I feel rotten, Denny. I'm stumpy, and my roots are showing.
He: Come on, honey. You've blossomed into a real beauty.
She: I'm so lucky to have landed you. But I wish I were thin and exotic like Rose and Lily.
He: So that's it. You're jealous of those two anorectic Twiggys. Have you been dieting?
She: Well, yes. I just want to lose a few pounds. So far it's all water loss.
He: No wonder you look wilted.
She: I feel pretty rocky.
He: Don't pine, Rhoda. You're fragrant, earthy, and colorful.
She: Oh, Denny. I love you. You're my oasis, sky, and stars.
He: Now let's get some sun, and then we'll eat.
She: Please don't ever leave me.
Pasquale: Dominick, those two rhododendrons are planted too close. Separate them, and give the little one some water and fertilizer.
HIGH KUDOS FOR H20TM
HAIKU BOUQUET
With its rain and dew
Spring is water's billet-doux
Of floral tutus
HAIKU HONEYDEW
With tropical fruits
Summer is water's sweet kiss
Of succulent bliss
HAIKU ADIEU
With its frost and sleet
Fall is water's au revoir
Of sleep and retreat
HAIKU ACHOO
With its ice and snow
Winter is water's wicked
Wonderful uh-oh!
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IT'S ALIMENTARY, MY DEAR WESSON